Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays

“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

*brings nachos to your exorcism*

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s