Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wonder why they stopped looking

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.