The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
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My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
What’s this sorcery? 😂
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.