The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
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What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Hmmmmm
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Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.