The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
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Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?