The Punning Dead.
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So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
