The Punning Dead.
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Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
