The Punning Dead.
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Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
