The Punning Dead.
You Might Also Like
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician