@realfunghi

The Punning Dead.

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@fluffysuse

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

@ShaeAaron

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

@Staggfilms

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

@WheelTod

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

@Laser_Cat

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

@mean_spice

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

@JohnLyonTweets

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

@007Rex_Inc

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

@living_marble

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”