The Punning Dead.

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Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.


My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.



– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order


“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.


[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”


Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what


Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.


Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho


Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!


“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”