Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”

– a cephalopodcast

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.