Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!