Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m foolish with money

“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.