The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
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6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly