Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.