the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
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i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.