Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

every college guy’s fridge

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]

Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers