the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
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I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
phew
Sign at work today
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.