the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
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It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about “cover your pin” mf you the thief
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Went to the spa* this morning!
*Opened my dishwasher during the drying cycle
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves