the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
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FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
excuse me
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
The symmetry is uncanny.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.