Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.