The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
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Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?