The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

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‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of


Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..


Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.


People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for


Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..


My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.


[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now


*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?


It’s bad enough I have to worry about people when I leave my house now I have to contend with Pokemon as well


went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”