‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
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Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..
We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
It’s bad enough I have to worry about people when I leave my house now I have to contend with Pokemon as well
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”