@goldengateblond: The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
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@ArfMeasures: [Wedding meal] *taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
@sophielou: Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?! Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
@AndyAsAdjective: I've spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why "mustache" & "headache" don't rhyme.