The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

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Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!


the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.


[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*


I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.


I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.


I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.


[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem


If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.


Nothing solves all of life’s biggest problems like a well-timed, awkward & overly complicated kick to the face. -The Karate Kid.


So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day