The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
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Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Somebody call the cops.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
This was my dad’s browser history.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN