The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
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I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
a lot to unpack here
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha