The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
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Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒