[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
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my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
When life hands you women, make women laid.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
i think both sides are to blame here
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count