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Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.


Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]


“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden


Dang girl are you the American health care system because if I don’t give you all my money you’d have no problem watching me die.


*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*


Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges


If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.