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@Mom_Overboard

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

@sarabellab123

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

@girlnarly

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

@AndyAsAdjective

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

@TheAlexNevil

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

@panmidwest

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

@kwirkyKerri

Nothing says you married into the wrong damn family like your mother in-law crashing your honeymoon.

@TrueTorontoGirl

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

@AndrewNadeau0

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket