me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
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People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊