The Purge: Valentine’s Day
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I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Just so funny
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal