Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

ㅤ

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival