{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
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Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.