@TheAndrewNadeau

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

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@jimmytorosian

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

@freedom2726

Like Mom always said,

“Don’t kick a gift horse in the teeth.”

@geowizzacist

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

@Guinz

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

@JT_IV_

Mario and Luigi fight to the death, in “The Plunger Games”.

@WilliamAder

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

@SardonicTart

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

@usermcuserface

Marty McFly had horrible parents. Sure teenage son, hang around with the weirdo scientist who lives alone and drives a windowless truck.

@therepoguy

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

@ojedge

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.