{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
You Might Also Like
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.