{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
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massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
😂😂😂
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.