The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
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When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes