The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
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it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel