The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
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My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
August 8
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
