The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
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“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.