Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

[My wedding]

Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.

Me: But my dress has pockets!

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.