The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
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The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
scares
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.