The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
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“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
same bro
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.