The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
The legends speak of a third Duran…
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
