THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
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What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually