THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
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Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Cheers Twitter.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”