THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
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DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life