The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
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The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.