The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
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Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.