Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”