The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
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If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Me :
All Day At Night
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
I’m awake but I object,
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet