@Travon

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

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@BradBroaddus

Me: Thank you!

Cashier: You have a good one!

Me: That’s the rumor!

Cashier: …

@IamEveryDayPpl

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

@threetimedaddy

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

@CourtRundell

Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children

@DirtMcTurd

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

@mjkspeaks

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

@krishna_van

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

@AngryRaccoon2

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.