I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
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Me: Thank you!
Cashier: You have a good one!
Me: That’s the rumor!
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
The parents of small children
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Cops think i am worth the chase…apparently.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.