the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
