the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
