The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
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I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
What a website
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
No laws when master is gone
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?