the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
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Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I don’t know what to do
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)