the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
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Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.