the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
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i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Am I having a stroke?
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself