the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
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Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
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Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people