the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
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“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Seems legit
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon