Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

Waffles make excellent pill organizers

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

[at my funeral]

boss : you’re LATE

DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals

GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.