@thepaulasuzanne

The question, in my car, is not WHERE did that lone French fry come from, but WHEN did that lone French fry come from?

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@DrDogMD

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

@theroyaltramp

Look, I wouldn’t even run in a zombie apocalypse let alone chase after you.

@lazerdoov

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

@thedad

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

@garrettbarry70

The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is “We’re going for a break now, we’ll be back later”

@BakedBrotatoes

Girls are just like pasta. Throw her against the wall, if she sticks, she’s ready.

@SteevUmc

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.