The question, in my car, is not WHERE did that lone French fry come from, but WHEN did that lone French fry come from?

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NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one


Look, I wouldn’t even run in a zombie apocalypse let alone chase after you.


Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars


Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream


The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is “We’re going for a break now, we’ll be back later”


Girls are just like pasta. Throw her against the wall, if she sticks, she’s ready.


The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.