Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

what the hell girl, sure

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”