The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
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you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.