The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
You Might Also Like
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
🤣😂🤣😂
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job