The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
You Might Also Like
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
This is hilarious….
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Fights fire with marshmallows
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?