Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

Truth

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

Nose

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail