Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

huge valentines day plans this year!!

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

Not today. 😅

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

I support this random dude and all his protests

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out