The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
You Might Also Like
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
🤣😂
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light