The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
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(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining