The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
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For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Banking tips
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?