The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
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I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
i was baptized in a car wash
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Print is alive and well!!!
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?