Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money