The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
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Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.