The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
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Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.