The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
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Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice