Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

this isn’t threatening at all

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’