The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
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Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
“TGIM!” – My liver
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
😲 WTF? 😆
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg