Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

this got me crying😭😭

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

Fluff me with a fork baby