the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
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Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.