Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.