Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

Stop the Internet. I want to get off.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

Finally!

Finally!

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

Need this in my life lol

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.